God Speaks the Language of Mothers

   God knows how to speak to me.  When He really wants to communicate an important message, He often speaks in my “Mom” language.
    A year ago, I was seeking spiritual direction.  My pleading with God was to help me overcome my own pride, my own will.  I was ready to make a “self-oblation,” to make a sacrifice–like Abraham placing his son Isaac on the altar–of my self.  I no longer wanted to be in charge of my life.  I wanted to give myself entirely over to God.  But I kept finding myself taking the driver’s seat.  I patronizingly “let” God support me, help me, and answer my prayers.  (So disgusting!)  
     Then God snuck a baby into my life.  It was practically impossible for little Sebastian to be conceived.  I protested and said to God, “How could you?  I am too weak!  Too tired!  Too discombobulated!  No, no no!”  For nine months of pregnancy, I protested in my heart.
    Do you see?  God was being in charge–and I was no longer in charge.  I did NOT see.  I did not see that this was exactly what I had been praying for.  I was no longer in charge.  God was being in charge, just like I had asked.
    Now that Sebastian is with us, I am infatuated with him.  Right now as I type, he is in my lap smiling at me.  I cannot express my motherly infatuation with him!  He is precious, and I have never enjoyed a baby so much.  I swoon when I look at him; I coo and gurgle at him; I well up with delight every time I say eyes on him.
    My determination–my controlling spirit–of having no more children is gone.  God healed me of my will, of my stubborn pride.  Sure, anyone can set her eyes on a goal and work toward it.  But I had been worse than that: I had not left room for God to think differently.  I had certainly not left room for Him to over-ride my decision.
    Now I am healed.  I have a preference (not to have more children) but I can say honestly that it is in God’s hands.  I can finally say, “Let it be done to me according to Your will.”  Finally!  I was a hard nut to crack.  It took a year.
    And look!  Sebastian is the minister of God’s message. He is indeed an angel!
    God taught me, through pregnancy, and through my baby’s adorable chubby cheeks and tiny frame.  Holding and rocking this baby, gazing at him, is how God said to me, “Okay, I will let you make a total oblation of your self.  I will be in charge of you.  Trust me.  I know what is good for you.”  And it is through my being a mother to this sixth child that I have happily consented and submitted my will to our good God.