bottom out

     This is the week that I bottomed out.  I have been supporting Ron, his work, his relationship with his family, his emotional well being and the general flourishing of his life.  It has been an intense effort and priority over these past several years, and especially this summer.
     This past week was the fifth week this summer that he was out of town.  When I brought him to the airport a week ago, I was already beyond what I could give.  The week has been me giving out of a deficit.  It has been like spending money on credit or like an engine running with no oil.  The sparks have been flying in my emotional life, and I have been expecting an explosion!
     I have managed to give the kids whatever morsels I had, and it makes me smile to think of their little gains:
     Leigh got a great haircut!

We’ve all been doing P90X together!  (check out Annie too!)

Mary and Jake and I stayed up till midnight one night–I think of it as their debut into pre-teen life.  We talked and laughed and had a ball–they thought it was historic (and it was!)

      But I am really, really tired.  I am depleted.  My brain hurts and I feel like I am going to burst into tears at any moment, all day long.
      Ron came home last night, and I am so glad I did not emotionally deregulate.  I told him the honest truth about where I am and what my needs are, but I did it in a constructive and loving way.  No guilt trips or accusations.
     He has been really, really tender and responsive.  He is listening well, giving me what I need in the moment as well as discussing what my needs are long term.
    I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I have been giving beyond what I have for a trustworthy man.  He is not taking for his own advantage–these trips have been to support our family and me in particular. My long term goals are things he can better meet if he makes these immediate career gains, and he is making that clear.
    There is that old story about how after we die, we all sit at a banqueting table together with very long utensils.  The people in hell are starving at the banquet, while the people in heaven are full.  The people in hell cannot get the food into their mouths–the utensils are too long.  But the people in heaven have learned to feed each other.  While no one can feed himself, if everyone feeds everyone else, each person will get fed and no one will go hungry.
    Ron and I are in a very intense time, learning how to give each other our all.  We both need the other one to be trustworthy, or the other one will have a nervous breakdown!
     This next period is a time for me to recover.  I am so raw and in such a deep deficit that it is going to take some real creativity!