being a fish

     Recently, I heard someone say, “I am more like a jellyfish than a fish.  Jellyfish are carried by the current, whereas fish are more deliberate and decisive.  Jellyfish probably think they have more control than they really do, but in fact, they are swept along most of the time.”
     The comment shocked me.  I cannot express just how much of a fish I am.  I am so much of a fish, there is almost not one minute of a single day that is an exception to this rule.
     The way that this is true for me is by the direction of God.  I do not feel that I am controlling everything about my day and my life–very little is my design.  But I feel that God has desires for me.  I am constantly reflecting on how God wants me to interact with others, how He wants me to be as I wash the dishes or pay the bills or teach someone their multiplication table.  Am I being present to the other person?  Do I seem distracted to them?  Am I being grateful, or fearful, or joyful, or listless?  If I am being fearful or anxious or angry, how would God like to be transform that into hope, or trust, or forgiveness?
    There is a fishlike quality about the moment to moment aspect of my day, and also about the big picture of my life.  What does God want me to hold as the primary goal?  What should I be ambitious about?  A huge upheaval took place in my twenties and again in my mid-thirties as I gave up certain ambitions and adopted other ones that I believe God wanted me to.
     Again, being a fish for me is not being controlling.  It is the opposite.  I am responding to God who is in charge of my life.  I feel very subservient, very small, very little.  But the providence of God is not to be taken lightly.  It is a very powerful force of Love that takes us out of ourselves and to a higher ground than we could have found of our own volition.